reality diary

I think me and Matt are nearing the end of our relationship, we haven't "spoken" for weeks we seem to lack the ability to have a civilised conversation. Take last night for instance we had a huge row, I had come home from work and unpacked the shopping, Matt tried to open the fresh loaf of bread which i had just brought in and i just lost it with him, i couldn't understand why he would'nt use the bread in the bread bin, it was perfectly fine.
How ridiculous is that though we are arguing over a loaf of bread!.He walked out last night an as nasty as it is to say it I was'nt bothered, he called me this morning to say he's coming round tonight to see if we can sort this out. The thing is i'm not interested I don't care, I love him so much but I just havent got the energy anymore, i cant handle the arguements anymore. I know i'm being a complete and utter bitch and i don't even deserve him. He slept on a friends sofa last night and his only crime was openening a loaf of bread!
What the hell is wrong with me?

Time for an update, as most of you now know I have discovered my “auntie” is actually my “mum”. I am not going to go into to much detail because it is still quite raw but with everyday, it gets a little better so maybe one day I’ll tell you all what happened from the start but for now I’d like to keep it private. Anyway, my life as always was a little bit complicated so another little complication like that was never going to slow me down. Because I had sort of guessed, anyway I can’t say it was that much of a shock but having it confirmed was the hardest thing because your mind starts to wonder, you’re full of questions, that do need answers but I was scared to ask. Its like you wake up one day and find out that your life is a lie one big humongous lie that probably started out quite small and innocent all 23 years ago but one lie just leads to another and another. An it’s not just me who has been lied to I’ve got brothers and now two sister’s they didn’t know either its just one big tangled web of deceit. Matt’s been so sweet about it all just being their and giving me lot’s of cuddles but when something like that happens it make you start to evaluate everything and everyone in your life and right now I’m really not sure if matt still has a part in my life.

Ok so i havent been on her for like forever, but ive just dropped by to give everyone a little update. Remember i said i didnt know if my auntie was my real mum well it turns out she is. After a huge argument with her one day i confroted her and she told me the truth, now im still not ready to fully write about this but once i am i will be explaining everythink. The bottom line is my suspicions were right and my auntie is my real mum. What a big can of worms i have opened. I will update soon x

Im not even sure i should be thinking this let alone writing it, but i just need to get it off my chest. I'm scared to tell my boyfriend or my friends incase they think im going mad. The think is just lately well to be honest for the past few months i've been doubting whether or not my mum is my biological mother. I actually think my auntie is.
I've never been close to my mother and we've never really got on , but thats not all you see about 6 years ago when my mum and dad seperated, i moved in with my auntie and uncle. I have long since moved out but we are still extremley close. they have two daughters aged 6 and 3, who call me their sister, a couple of times i have challanged them on this saying "no im your cousin" but my auntie and uncle have both said leave them alone if they want to say your their sister thats fine. I just think thats abit confusing for them but my auntie and uncle dont seem to mind.
I speak to my auntie and cousins everyday without fail and see them about 5 times a week even staying overnight in their house. I miss them terribly whenever im away and im really ashamed to admit it but i miss them more than my mum or brothers. Even as im writing this i've just got a txt message off my aunties saying. "Love you babe see you 2morra XXXX"
Thats not all though my uncle is my dads brother so my auntie isnt even blood related but quite a few times people have asked her if im her daughter and even just asumed, one lady in alton towers saying "god you can tell she's yours, she's the image of you" to my auntie. Who by the way is only 38 im 23 so its not like she looks old enough to have a 23 year old daughter.
Maybe im just confused or maybe i am going mad but its really doing my head in. I probably havent even made any sense but i cant make any sense of it in my head so its not easy to write it down.
Any advice would be grately appriciated.

On Thursday 12 girlies and me fly to Dubai for 2 weeks of sun, sea and the other S not for me obviously haha and to say I’m excited is a huge understatement I can’t wait. I’m not even worried about missing Matt I’m quite used to it, we only really see each other at weekends anyway unless I’m in London in the week for work but apart from that it’s only really the weekend, and to be honest that suits me fine. He’s having a breakdown though thinks I’m gunna have a holiday romance I said if he didn’t trust me and shut up then I would haha he soon shut up. I can’t believe how well thing are actually going for me my life never runs this smoothly and I’m scared to say it but right now I’m having a ball.

I haven’t been on here for a while just because I have been so busy I haven’t had time to write a txt let alone an entry. The past few weeks have been somewhat unreal me and Matt are officially an item still in the “can’t keep our hands off each other stage” which is lovely. I got some lovely presents for Valentines Day; he’s excellent at buying presents haha. The weekend after valentines, I went with him for a weekend break to his parent’s house in Devon. I have never been so nervous in my whole life but they were so lovely, genuinely nice people they even tried to teach me how to ride a horse. I’ve never rode a horse before the closest I’ve come to horse riding is having a ride on a donkey on blackpool beach when I was 4 so let me tell you a girl from Liverpool whose terrified of any animal bigger than dogs riding a horse for the first time is enough to crack anyone up, it was disastrous. Anyway one of the reasons we went down there was it was his dad’s 60th birthday, and they were holding a massive surprise party for him all was going great I was feeling like I really fitted in. Until just before the party when matt decided to inform me that an ex girlfriend of his was going to be there, well that’s fine because after all it’s a free world (but between you and me I was a little miffed). Then to make matters worse he told me to, well his exact words were “Gracie at this party I want you to believe half of what you see, and nothing what you hear”. I didn’t know what to think then I asked him and at first he just shrugged then when I asked again his reply was “ O know what families’ are like”. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Should I ask him again what he meant? And more to the point why did he say that straight after telling me his ex was going to be there? Does that mean something really bad happened in the relationship? Or they haven’t really split up? There are so many questions and so few answers. I was just waiting for something like this to happen. I’m scared to ask him again because I really am falling in love with him and I’m scared what the answer will be.

I came home a week ago today after a week in the capital, an I’m so pleased to be home I mean I love London always have done, actually think I lived there in a past life but this time I just really really missed my dog and my friends and family(which is strange). Anyway, the last couple of days in London weren’t as bad as the first few and I decided not to take the job in America. I managed to dodge Matt’s calls and texts for about 24 hours (which is quite an achievement), then there was a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to the office with my name on them. At first, I wasn’t bothered then I read the card… Gracie, Please forgive me x x (a man of few word’s I suppose) I still didn’t ring or txt him though but that was mainly because I was so busy I didn’t have time to. Anyway, after work, a few others’s and I went to the little bar opposite our office and Matt was conveniently propping up the bar. I went over and thanked him for the flowers and he ended up joining us, after an hour or so I decided it was time to head back to the hotel (which by now I was calling home). Matt came too he apologized to me for being an complete an utter bastard (his words not mine) I thought that was a bit harsh but I let him carry on he said he had loads off work stuff on his mind and that he shouldn’t of took it out on me. By this point, the tables have turned and I’m being a complete bitch, am lying on the bed with my Pj’s on watching Eastenders and he asked me if I was listening to him and I just lost it, and from nowhere we started having the biggest row ever. Looking back it was quite funny actually, after screaming at each other for what seemed like an eternity I told him to leave, I was tired I wanted to go to sleep and I couldn’t be arsed arguing anymore mainly because I couldn’t remember why we were arguing. He said Gracie I can’t believe that’s just happened I’m falling in love with you grace and I’m not leaving here until we sort this out. To say I was stunned was an understatement I was bloody speechless but Still being a bitch I said go and got up and opened the door, I wasn’t even looking at him when he walked out but then he stopped and said I mean it grace I’m falling for you. The next thing I remember is kissing him on the bed, we made up good and proper, and then it was my turn to apologize for being a complete an utter bitch.

It has been a bizarre day today infact the last few days have been quite bizarre actually, Saturday was lovely spent a.m and p.m with Matt. Yesterday however was quite the opposite I’d said to Matt that I couldn’t go out for dinner in the evening because I had so much work to do for the presentation I was doing today and he said fine but pestered me to go to lunch with him and when I say pestered I mean pestered so I agreed. I ended up being up until 3am this morning catching up with work. Anyway, at lunch he was so strange and “off” with me answering with one-word answers and that sort off thing really quiet and withdrawn so I asked him what was wrong and wish I wouldn’t have bothered because all he said was I’m TIRED. Which is believable because I’m bloody knackered but you know he pestered me to go to lunch if he was that tired he shouldn’t have bothered? After lunch he dropped be back off at my hotel and I didn’t speak to him again all day. Then at 7.30 this morning I had just arrived at the office and he rang to see if he could take me to dinner this evening I agreed and while in work I received a job offer in America, id been recommended by a previous employer and the jobs mine if I want it. Which I’m not sure about its temporary for 6 months so it’s a big risk to take especially since I’ve just found my feet in this job and I’m actually enjoying it. Anyway to cut a long story short at dinner tonight I told Matt and do you know what he said, not congratulations or o my god that’s an opportunity but “Don’t let me stop you” and in a quite abrupt manner aswell, well actually mate no I wont. I couldn’t even be arsed with him then who does he think he is and more to the point why is he being so strange? I left not long after choosing to get a cab instead of a lift off him and I have ignored the five texts he’s sent “what’s the matter?” “Are you ok” etc. So know I’m sitting looking out off my hotel window realising just how much of a lonely place London is and I never ever thought id say this but I miss Liverpool the sooner am home the better.

Im not really sure if I should even call it a date because it was just supposed to be lunch but ive just got back in my hotel now so technically it was a date. We went for a lovely meal on the south bank yesterday afternoon and that was supposed to be it. He was meant to be going back to work but he decided to ring in an tell them he was taking the rest of the afternoon off to spend it with a very special lady. (Yes I know, I wanted to cry too how sweet is he) To say I was gob smacked was a bit of an understatement I was made up. I had all ideas in my head of going for a romantic stroll through the South bank but he had other plans, you see when he was in Liverpool and we went to see P.s I love you he had asked me if I wanted to see Sweeny Todd. I replied like a divvy no I’m scared, so yesterday he decided it was time for me to overcome my fear and to help me he was taking me to the London dungeons I nearly died. Well I was having a nervous breakdown all the way there but once we were in I was fine I jumped a few times like but half the time I was putting it on so I could snuggle into him hahaha. Then last night, because I’d been so brave in the dungeons we went to see the movie Sweeny Todd. Then for dinner, I can’t say I was scared in the pictures because we spent the night, erm well use your imagination lets just put it this way I was gutted when the film finished not that I was watching it. At dinner, he told me about his ex girlfriend and why they split up apparently, she cheated on him with a lad who she went to school with. I don’t actually know if I believe him though im mean if you could see him you wouldn’t believe anyone would cheat on him, and I was certainly not going to slag the girl off at the end of the day I’d be one to talk im not little miss innocent like am I. From the restaurant we went to a lovely little bar had a few drinks there then back to his for a nightcap I really didn’t intend on staying but I literally fell asleep with my coffee woke up this morning in his bed to the smell of bacon and eggs. We spent today listening to all his old c.ds then went into town, ive just got in now and he’s coming round at half 9 cause we have a table booked downstairs. It’s so mad I’ve spent my life waiting for things like this to happen to me and now it is Im waiting for my world to come crashing down around me and to find out he’s secretly married with 14 kids a house a dog and a mortgage. Its actually putting me off having dinner with him tonight because I know he’ll end up coming back to my room and then what happens, one thing leads to another and I don’t want to sleep with him cause that’s when I’ll start getting attached I just don’t know what to do. I do know one thing though I have rambled on for far too long I better, go an have a shower and clear my head.

Black dress black tights couldnt go wrong there could i. Knowing my luck he probably hates the colour black 30mins i cant wait .