reality diary

I arrived in london last night and was a little bit gutted that Matt didnt pick me up from Euston (in his defence he didnt know i was coming last night like) he did ring me this morning though and he's picking me up for lunch in a bit. Yay.

11.14am lunch at 12.30
ok now im bloody nervous i dont know what to wear do i look like i havent tried (which takes ages) or do i look like ive tried its only lunch but its Matt HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so p.s I love you was not that good, the books a lot better, the company however was amazing and today he went home to London. An for the first time I felt that little pang in my stomach.
I was sad to see him go but it’s not like I’m never going to see him again he’ll be back and I’m back in London next week so I’ll see him then and any man who can sit through a chic flick and not moan once is worth a second date. I went to book my holidays today 2 weeks in Dubai in March, a girly one, we went for a drink after booking the holiday which is a ritual when the girls book a holiday but all’s I could think about was Matt, like a big sado. I just seen a different side to him last night, I actually couldn’t sleep when I got in and that’s not like me. I’ve phoned him twice since he left aswell and im looking at my phone now willing it to ring how sad am I. I wasn’t interested yesterday and now im missing him. What’s up with me? So alls I’ve got to look forward to tonight is meeting my friend David to take our dogs for a walk the dogs hate each other we just make them walk together mines a big fat boxer called Maggie and his is a tiny jack Russell called jack very original. She’s lying on my bed now praying I don’t make her wear her pink hoodie but she’s wearing it. I also got a message off Mr x last night, telling me to listen to a snow patrol song called you could be happy. Apparently, it reminds him of me well the reply I sent was probably not, what he expected I mean it’s a lovely song but he needs to grow up, delete my number and be a daddy to his son the gobshite.

New year came and went in a blur I spent the night with my gay friend in bed with a bottle (well a couple) of pink champers, counting the fireworks outside, not the most exciting way to bring the new year in but we enjoyed it. Mr X phoned more than once but once I was a little merry he got a mouthful so he probably wishes he wouldn’t of bothered. I started my new job a couple of days later and my first assignment was to advertise for our sister company in London o my what a week I had!
I didn’t get much work done but what had to be done was well achieved. I met a lovely fella, Matt works for another advertising company and he was the perfect gentle man he took me the theatre an out for dinner and shoe shopping please but on my part, I just didn’t feel anything. Which is such a shame because he seems like such a genuine bloke he’s even been up to Liverpool since to see me, it’s probably because he’s not a bastard that I’m not interested in him. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. Take yesterday for example he surprised me after work with the biggest bunch of pink roses ive ever seen in my whole life an what did I think o my god he thinks I wanna be his girlfriend. Any normal girl would be falling head over heels right now he’s bloody gorgeous with an amazing body (which I only know because I saw him change his shirt once) and to me I just don’t wanna no im just not attracted to him and I don’t know why, probably because he’s not married . He’s taking me the pictures tonight to see P.S I love you which im so excited about not because im going with him but because I read the book and loved every minute of it.

Ok well I hit the 23 milestone and it didn’t seem so bad I actually got nice presents this year, no chocolate though. I got a lovely watch off Mr X and I know I shouldn’t be but yes I am wearing it and you would too it’s gorgeous. Christmas was not as good though got lovely gifts, infact gorgeous gifts. Id just ate my lovely Christmas dinner when I got a picture message; Mr X was now a daddy and didn’t see no fault in sending me a picture. Baby X was born on Christmas morning weighing 7lb (yeah he sent me the stats as well) it’s a bit hard to enjoy your Christmas desert when you have just seen your Christmas dinner in reverse.
So what did I do I spent all afternoon getting drunk and dancing with uncle knobhead, that’s right I became niece knobhead. Then I went home on my own with the biggest bottle of wine ever and cried myself to sleep. When will it all end more to the point when will I let it end.

I told him, I told him I was disgusted in him, disgusted at the fact that he never told me he was going to be a daddy, disgusted that he never finished it when he found out, and disgusted in the pair of us that we started that affair in the first place. His reply don’t worry, you and me can try for a baby of our own, as if mate. I feel like I want to tell her but I don’t know what to do for the best, I know one thing though I never want to see him ever again. I never even cried (normally I’m like tiny tears) he did great big crocodile tears that were lost on me, o well plenty more fish in the sea .Even I wish I could believe that.
So its two weeks before Christmas and I’m single again whoopee do for me, the worst of it is my birthdays five days before Christmas, the dreaded 23. Another year I’m spending my birthday and Christmas on my own well not totally alone, uncle knobhead ALWAYS makes an unwelcome appearance I wish I was on my own when I see him coming up the drive.

Ok big news, I met the infamous Mrs X today an you know what she is absolutely lovely really really nice she actually looks a little bit like me which Is quite strange. I’d gone into the car show room to pick my new car up and she was there she’d brought his sandwiches in ha-ha. The best of it is though he introduced us, now don’t you think that’s a little cheeky. Grace meet my pregnant wife (yes pregnant I was shocked too) Mrs X meet the other woman, I nearly bloody died.
Then for the first time in this sordid little affair (cause lets face it that’s what it is), I felt sick I drove home and promised myself its ending right now. If not for my sake, for the sake of an unborn child. My dad left for another women and I am not going to put any child through that.

Ok so I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never ever going to be happy unless some knight in shining armour comes and sweeps me off my feet I’m going to end up a old spinster with millions of cats.
I’ve been seeing this lad, (O yeah I’ve got a fella) I’ll call him Mr X an he’s lovely infact he’s gorgeous, and he ticks all the right boxes in all the right departments if you know what I mean, but he’s boring. He’s quite happy to stay in the same job with the same wage and the same boring people for the rest of his life (he’s a car salesperson for god sake) now I don’t have a problem with car sales people or the job but come on it’s not the most exciting job in the world now is it.
O yeah an he’s married for the first time in my life I’m the other woman am I wracked with guilt, no not really. I didn’t know he was married before we got together I found out 5 months in and by then I was smitten.
He’s really starting to bug me now though just small things but there really beginning to irritate me, take yesterday I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, an do you know what he said, a gold medallion with his initial on, what’s all that about. I said an o yeah what will Mrs X say when she see’s that, I’ll tell her it was off my boss was his reply. Things like that make me wonder is it all worth it.

Ok so I don’t really have it that bad in fact I’m extremely lucky, my friends would say I’m spoilt but if I was spoilt wouldn’t I have everything I wanted?
Or am I spoilt for even thinking that way, all I actually want is to be happy except I don’t actually know what it is that’s going to take to make me happy.
This time last year I had a lovely boyfriend (ok maybe not so lovely but I had a boyfriend.)
I felt that pretty much everything was going my way and them it seemed I changed over night, I decided to leave James, leave my job and now a year on I still don’t know why I did it, maybe I was having a midlife crisis at 22, I don’t know.
When I was a kid I always thought by the time I was an ancient 25 id be living in London with a lovely husband, a great job in television production and a couple of kids, Ha I should be so lucky.
In reality I’m 23 I haven’t got a job I still live at home in Liverpool (which last time I checked is nowhere near London) I haven’t even got a boyfriend let alone a husband and if by any chance I did get pregnant id be devastated, I’m in no position to bring a little person into this world. However, I know I’m lucky I’ve got it extremely easy compared to many people.

What to do The grass is always greener

What do u do when you’ve got no job, no boyfriend and no one you really consider to be a friend, your living it a city that, yes you love but it offers you no prospects. Your coming to the grand old age of 23 and going nowhere fast, the space bar on your keyboard is broke and you want to run away except you’ve got nowhere to go.
WHAT DO YOU DO
Well you write a diary and blah on.